Freeform post about artmaking

At the family reunion a couple of people asked me if I have shows. Well, no. None. And I don't sell work, and I don't think I want to sell work, at least not the work that I have done so far and have planned. Ideally, like in the true sense of ideally and not the watered down ideally that I usually mean, I would take commissions that involved a lot of dialog and cocreation and collaboration with clients. Or I would say to the world "This weekend I want to make a lazure layered heart on a sunny indoor wall in the Waldorf colors, starting with a stylized embryo in the color for the smallest children and building outward with colors developmentally suited to older and older children." and someone who wanted that would say so and pay me to do it and my art wouldn't just pile up in my house.

So I realized that maybe until I get that system lined up, I should try to do the self promoting things artists are supposed to do. So when I got a forwarded email from my school about do I have any art dealing with faith or spirituality to display for 4 hours at the grand opening of a new faith and spirituality themed floor of a dorm on my campus, I sent a picture and my contact info and now in October I have to hang up my Ganesha painting in public outside of my room and maybe put my name on it.

I can't tell if this is a baby step. It feels like a medium step. It was certainly easy. The only criteria for inclusion was that my piece be smaller than 3'x3' and not profane. And I used a piece I already painted. But at the same time, I am doing something extra that I have not done before. It seems like a solo show (omg, the thought makes me want a giant fuzzy womb to hide in... oh. I am maybe very good at the business of managing my needs) is like miles and miles and miles away from plausibly happening in the next five years.

Oh, why is my art so bad, and why is there so little of it?