For most of this afternoon I've been having little adrenaline surges that make my breathing really fast and my heart pound. I don't know why I have them, but I think it might be the glory of everything. And I can't say that to people, can I? Enlightenment isn't for everyone, (especially people with weak hearts, I suppose) and I want to avoid sounding smug. I do it all the time- I guess I'm giving it up, now. I'll save it for my new pollyanna blog, and spare my friends. Then we'll have more time to talk about the fake problems healthy and smart American teens think they have. Whee.
-sitting on cement in the sunshine painting children's nails
-crappy dorodango # 3
-coco rice cereal
-Abigail (abigail is my cat.)
-tying stuff to my wrist
-anxiety (because of the adrenaline.)
So, as I guess you can see, I had a really, really good day. It doesn't have to do with what actually happens, but I try to train myself to embrace things that make me happy and ignore things that don't. (ask me if I'm graduating, btw)
You see, contrary to what doctors and my friends and family think, I am bipolar, and also autistic. I just supress it better than people who get diagnoses. And I'm not seeking treatment because I'm not into medication and doctors.
I used to be okay with it and them, actually, but two experiences really changed that. The first was when I was 14 and my doctor told me I was fat (no, she didn't use the word fat, because she was a doctor and presumably familiar with the self esteem issues 14 year old girls are so susceptable to, but that is what she meant.). I should have said "Yes, but so are you because this is America." but I think what I actually said was, "I'm perfectly healthy! I've never even been sick!" and then when she made me tell her what I usually ate I lied and said I only ate salad and candy, because I was a vegetarian. For 7 years, actually, and I gave it up last year because it was childish. Some people can rock vegetarianism (I've not met anyone who could, this is an assumption right here) but I'm not one of them. To really rock vegetarianism I think you need to let go of the morality of it, and the health of it, and that's a start. The other important bit is to reevaluate it a lot, and not be in a vegetarianism rut- "This is what I tell people I do, this is what I have the groceries for, so this is who I am" and instead re evaluate each time you are shopping. Do you want beef jerky? Beef jerky for you then. Did the cow suffer? Maybe, but I think you can get basically 5,000 sticks of beef jerky from one cow, and also look where they would be if they weren't domesticated. Extinct like the other juicy, slow and stupid species. Yes.
The second thing that drove me away from the clinical expertise of western medicine was having a boyfriend who needed behavior modifying drugs to get through the school day, and different ones to get through depression. He's still alive, not thriving but it might just be finals, or something.
Which is not to say that I approve of alternative medicine. For all my embarrassing optimism and constant delight in everything, I can be pretty cynical when it comes to herbal remedies, hypnotism, chiropractice, and whatever.
This is another thing I don't admit except when pressed (and now, when not remotely pressed), but everyone can heal themselves with positivity, and convoluted routes to positivity, like having a therapist or an acupressurist, are useless. "Please, someone hold my hand and tell me that I'm healthy and give me nettle tea and some sort of obviously super legitimate healing crystal" it's called not being 4 years old ergo not needing a kiss for your owie. Self sufficiency, people.
Alright. That got kind of vaguely abusive.