LOL @ writing a post about my excellent happiness brain whilst kept up all night by insomnia.

So one of my guy friends pretty consistently brings up how I look if I am complaining about guys or about fat phobic societal norms or how difficult it is to make a flattering pillow case dress. Basically, he works it into most conversations. And I finally had to be like "Okay, great, duly noted, please stop talking about my appearance." Actually a lot of the guys I know will say appearance compliments, which is fine but not very interesting to me, for a few reasons. One is that I am kind of over caring how I look. I used to, then a lot of legitimately interesting things started happening in my life (japanese! unicycle! hostel! juggling! astronomy! econ! art!) and now I am not interested in how I look or how people think I look. Another reason is because, dude, I am not humble. I don't care much, but the last time I did I settled on the conclusion that I look good. I might have mentioned that I am cuter than Miss World, who is the actual most beautiful person in the world, but not in Happy Fun Awesome Land where I spend all of my thought time.
Even while I can tell it is a delusion, I am not changing my mind. And he was like "You're the only girl I know who doesn't care about looking good." And I was like, "Yeah. It's funny because no matter how hard they try they'll never be as cute as koalas" but what I was thinking is really? More likely girls just don't want to be rude and shoot you down while you're being nice.

So, right, what I am saying is complement me on things I care about, like my art, or things I am insecure about, like my singing voice* or my recycling (I always forget the rules for plastic bags).

The more I think about it the more I think that I might never know very many people that I really like. Everyone seems not to care very passionately about dinosaurs or the importance of sitting and thinking about the circus. I feel like the girl who invented uniquidditch- why aren't there more people like me? It is a pretty neat way to be, fun and fairly harmonious with the world, and happy.

That's part of it right there. People have this horrible aversion to happiness. NO NOT LIGHTHEARTED GAIETY!!! ANYTHING BUT THAT!!! I AM 20 YEARS OLD WITH ALMOST NO PROBLEMS, CAN'T YOU SEE I HAVE TO MAKE WORRYING AND STUDYING AND BEING CROSS ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS A PRIORITY? Um. No. No, I can't. I- everything is too too wonderful. I have this laundry detergent to smell. And my toes to wiggle. And these screencaps to laboriously transcribe to my notebook. And a paper to write. And now I have to stage a tiny me parade in my brain because it is my birthday minute. And now I am sneezing. Too, too, wonderful.

Talking to people, it's like I have the seratonin dialed all the way up. But I am just normal, and everyone wants to go around in a fog. And they probably don't even love fog, not really. Not sit-on-a-lichen-covered-stone-thinking-about-castles-in-pidgin-welsh love.

*no, I am not saying to lie, just be creative. Say it's way better than the syntho voice in that one Venga Boys song. Say I sing like Ron Brows dances. Say it reminds you of the color puce: I'm so talented I gave you synesthesia! (ok, it is kind of a lie but I would not consider it such.)