Art

Choosing a major is too hard for me. Based on my intended career as an art therapist it seems like art is a good major but I just get a weird feeling when I think about majoring in art. I don't really fit in with the art majors because they are kind of angry and cool. I do need to declare though so I went to the career center and got the forms (there is no one in the world I like less than academic advisors. Why are they like that?) and went to the art department to see how feasible this is, and the woman in charge of art majoring advised me to take easy classes along with my art classes because it's very important that I get at least a B in all of my art classes to be accepted into the major. I must have looked a little bit stunned, and she suggested art history. All the way over to my college I had to keep stopping and resting to think about what I am maybe doing. I think that is maybe a sign that I am not an art major. Also, I can't find a major that sounds good. I should have noticed that last year when I was applying but at the time Bio was sounding good.

Degrees of Aliveness

So I can't be the first person to notice, but different things are alive to different degrees, like whales and Wales. I thought of a way to stratify aliveness, which is how sharply the divide is between alive and not alive for that thing. Like, for

Post!

I think I look more like Amanda Seyfried.

Sigh.

Some people just have issues. Huge, insurmountable issues. Issues that get in the way of ever having an ordinary connection with people. Basically I had a bad morning and would like to move now please, except for the deposit and transporting my things, and not being a quitter. My roommate Jad already did move out for similar reasons a few weeks ago. No one in this house aside from the landlord has lived here for more than a few months. What would it be like to have people prefer to forfeit $500-700 than live with me?

So I was pretty unhappy and couldn't talk to my room mates about it because they are working and I don't think anyone else could give me very relevant advice. I started applying for every single job I am remotely qualified for and am thinking of applying as a live-in something or other in Santa Cruz. But the issue in the first place is setting boundaries and respecting them, not sure how well eldercare would work for me.

I don't have television but was watching the nbc.com miss teen USA and it turns out I really like pageants. People say they're based on looks, but it is really enthusiasm, and it's fun to watch fifty people having a choreographed dance thing. I think they would have better luck dancing in flats because they are a little stiff and I definitely can't dance in tall shoes.

Power And Intention

There is no such thing as a five page paper. I have been working for 2 weeks, I have 4 quotes and six paragraphs and it is only three pages long. Every time I go to it I add a paragraph and try to branch off of the thesis in another way and add little details and clarification but it is just not breaking the three page barrier. Possibly there are not 5 pages of things to say about charity. My thesis is basically that charity is a front that lets people feel fulfilled without actually affecting social change, thus maintaining a power imbalance. If I can't convince someone in 2 1/3 pages maybe they are too stubborn to learn new perspectives.

Today I listened to a half hour conversation that contained under a minute of information.
Part A: Everything you see, percieve, or think, is just the mind trying to make itself heard. We don't need to be anything or ascribe meaning to anything. We don't actually have any needs once we go outside of the mind.
Part B: But even saying that and discussing this you are using the mind. It's all the mind.
(repeat, ad infinitum)
I tried to bring them back to something I could care about with "What he is calling the mind is what you would call the ego." and while it did shift the conversation for a few rounds:
Part A: The mind tries to make it complicated and say "look at me" but it's all very very simple. We don't need anything. Life is enough as it is.
Part B: But when you say that, "life is enough as is", that's a thought.
I was ultimately a failure.

If I am going to discuss philosophy it had better be the funny kind or my head starts to get so incredibly heavy I can't hold it up and my eyelids do as well.

Hitchiking

Since I am on the upswing of my bipolarity I had an amazing, amazing day but technically one of my bike wheels got stolen. So I learned to hitchike! That is mein the biggest convertable truck ever! It is the kind with special big wheels. I didn't have time to talk myself into walking instead because someone picked me up as soon as I turned to face oncoming traffic. And I am going to do it again tommorow. And every day until something bad happens or I am ready to try again with my bicycle. I'm thinking of dragging it under the railroad bridge to keep it out of everyone's way while I wait for a change of heart. And since I am used to so much exercise now I have soooo much energy from not biking. Possibly 1/2 hour is not considered soooo much.

Maybe the person who stole my wheel will give it back if I make a little sign asking. Because if I saw a sign like that I would give it back right away!

When I do a thing I like to learn all about it, so I tried to learn about hitchhiking from online forums and found out I do not want to be a hitchiker.

I think I even look 19!

Today was a very odd birthday. I sort of knew it was my birthday because I spent the weekend doing birthday meals and shopping but I forgot that today was my exact birthday until this afternoon when I saw that there is a caramel apple making at Kresge on Tuesday Oct. 23. Because I already knew the day of the week.

I got mail presents. I really like mail presents. My best present this birthday is my camera because I love to take pictures! Except I think I may have taken pictures of everything there is to see in Santa Cruz. But the weather will change and I can do it again. And I am going to drop into a tightrope club thing tommorow so that might be photogenic. Unless drop ins aren't allowed. I read the policy but I think I am repressing it which I would only do if drop ins aren't allowed. My oddest present was a pair of gloves that feel very cold. It was a very hot day today so I put on my mysteriously cold gloves and they retained their cold for several minutes. I forget what that's called.

My worst present is that hamstring stretches make me dizzy/nauseous. Which is maybe not a present but today I learned hamstring stretching in Theater Arts and it was crazy! I think I have been progressively tightening them or something because I thought I might pass out. Normally I don't do things that are strenuous enough to make me pass out but I was not expecting it to hurt so I just started in, like how swinging your arm into a tree hurts more than punching a tree.