I like commuting, in a way, because no one else has to do it. I am getting motivated to stay at my rather dysfunctional house because no one else can do it. In the 5 months since I moved in, three people have moved out and one more has given notice and will be out in 2 weeks, and one is looking at new places.

It might not make sense that I'm more willing to stay when no one else is, but to me it just validates that this thing I am doing is very, very hard and it's hard for everyone, not just for me.

loving midterms week.

So, I am now totally hirable. I have been hired twice in the last three days, except that the first one, Student Corps, made me agree not to get hired for anything else on campus, but they haven't added me to their system and it's been 3 days and I can't sign up for any work until they do. So I accepted a position organizing the Porter Maintenence office because it actually exists. Later today I will find out whether I am hired for data entry- it is an amazing firm and 5-15 hours per week. I am qualified, but the people I group interviewed with were super good at interviews! I think I did a pretty good job because every time he asked us something the first thing that came to mind is "I get bored easily" as in
J: "Why would you be perfect for this job?"
Me: "I get bored easily, but this job is just part-time."
But I reined it in and didn't use the word boring even one time.

And yesterday I joined section for political science because I have come to terms with the concept that ignoring it won't make it go away. But political science is incredibly draining! There was one day where we watched 1980s footage of Ethiopia and half the class was crying. The emotional investment I make when I think about colonialism and conflict is exhausting. And also my classmates are really smart and know about world politics. I can find Burma on a map and pronounce its name (incredibly hard for people to agree on!) but I can't tell you what form of government it has or how its constitution relates to that of Kenya or the most recent military struggles there or what the US has done in Burma. I know I'm smart and I know I'll get a good grade in this class because the info we are expected to know is not too hard to remember, but I am undeniably out of my league in class discussions. When I read the Geneva Convention, I just feel bored, not inspired.

Art

Choosing a major is too hard for me. Based on my intended career as an art therapist it seems like art is a good major but I just get a weird feeling when I think about majoring in art. I don't really fit in with the art majors because they are kind of angry and cool. I do need to declare though so I went to the career center and got the forms (there is no one in the world I like less than academic advisors. Why are they like that?) and went to the art department to see how feasible this is, and the woman in charge of art majoring advised me to take easy classes along with my art classes because it's very important that I get at least a B in all of my art classes to be accepted into the major. I must have looked a little bit stunned, and she suggested art history. All the way over to my college I had to keep stopping and resting to think about what I am maybe doing. I think that is maybe a sign that I am not an art major. Also, I can't find a major that sounds good. I should have noticed that last year when I was applying but at the time Bio was sounding good.

Degrees of Aliveness

So I can't be the first person to notice, but different things are alive to different degrees, like whales and Wales. I thought of a way to stratify aliveness, which is how sharply the divide is between alive and not alive for that thing. Like, for

Post!

I think I look more like Amanda Seyfried.

Sigh.

Some people just have issues. Huge, insurmountable issues. Issues that get in the way of ever having an ordinary connection with people. Basically I had a bad morning and would like to move now please, except for the deposit and transporting my things, and not being a quitter. My roommate Jad already did move out for similar reasons a few weeks ago. No one in this house aside from the landlord has lived here for more than a few months. What would it be like to have people prefer to forfeit $500-700 than live with me?

So I was pretty unhappy and couldn't talk to my room mates about it because they are working and I don't think anyone else could give me very relevant advice. I started applying for every single job I am remotely qualified for and am thinking of applying as a live-in something or other in Santa Cruz. But the issue in the first place is setting boundaries and respecting them, not sure how well eldercare would work for me.

I don't have television but was watching the nbc.com miss teen USA and it turns out I really like pageants. People say they're based on looks, but it is really enthusiasm, and it's fun to watch fifty people having a choreographed dance thing. I think they would have better luck dancing in flats because they are a little stiff and I definitely can't dance in tall shoes.

Power And Intention

There is no such thing as a five page paper. I have been working for 2 weeks, I have 4 quotes and six paragraphs and it is only three pages long. Every time I go to it I add a paragraph and try to branch off of the thesis in another way and add little details and clarification but it is just not breaking the three page barrier. Possibly there are not 5 pages of things to say about charity. My thesis is basically that charity is a front that lets people feel fulfilled without actually affecting social change, thus maintaining a power imbalance. If I can't convince someone in 2 1/3 pages maybe they are too stubborn to learn new perspectives.

Today I listened to a half hour conversation that contained under a minute of information.
Part A: Everything you see, percieve, or think, is just the mind trying to make itself heard. We don't need to be anything or ascribe meaning to anything. We don't actually have any needs once we go outside of the mind.
Part B: But even saying that and discussing this you are using the mind. It's all the mind.
(repeat, ad infinitum)
I tried to bring them back to something I could care about with "What he is calling the mind is what you would call the ego." and while it did shift the conversation for a few rounds:
Part A: The mind tries to make it complicated and say "look at me" but it's all very very simple. We don't need anything. Life is enough as it is.
Part B: But when you say that, "life is enough as is", that's a thought.
I was ultimately a failure.

If I am going to discuss philosophy it had better be the funny kind or my head starts to get so incredibly heavy I can't hold it up and my eyelids do as well.